LBD

So, the story goes like this. Last month masa balik KL, I went out to mid valley with my lil sis. Tiba-tiba ada one lady wearing long black dress flowy-flowy. She look stunning! Terus jatuh cinta dengan black dress tu. She's not that thin either and looking like the girl next door. Dress tu dia pakai sekali dengan chucky bracelet and gold necklace. Jatuh hati lah! While she walk, she look like a goddess. Okay, memang I exxegarate tapi seriously, memang cantik. Minimalist glamourous. Owh yeah. So, mana nak cari eh dress tu?

Memori Daun Pisang

The Subject

It was December 2007. I was at my best age, young, single, and feeling beautiful (because I weight 49kg that time, tehee). My first year in uni after I change course. Flirting around and hanging out with few people during that time, never a serious date. Until I check upon him.

He was a friend of a friend. We would never met if I didnt take a risk to met someone I barely knew. His friend had a crush on me and I thank god I made the decision to met him, because, well, that is how we met. We are not related in any way. We were totally different people with diffferent personalities, different circle of friend, different taste and the list go on and on.

Back to the evening that we met, I did not really notice his face because he was at driver's seat while I am at the back. So, I just hear his voice and his 2 other friend (including the one who had crush on me) make jokes about me (he still do now!). Then, 4 of us went out to a mall. While all of us walked together, I am amazed how tall he is. Tallest among his friends and for some reason I did not understand, I am attracted to him, secretly. :P

We did not click automaticly but there is a chemistry, a vibe whenever I am with him. I feel shy and excited at the same time. I still remember my heart beat so fast until I feel it can explode whenever I saw his car, because I knew I had a chance to see him. Gila bayang! Haha.

Then, we started to went out few times. I did my checklist. Car. Check. Pants, esprit, check. Jeans, guess, check. Glasswear, oakley, check. Cap, adidas, check. Wow, this guy really taking care of what he wear (which is he still do now). Don't get me wrong, I never really into branded stuff, but this guy, I mean, woah. That is before I fall for him.

As I knew him later, he is more than just what I perceived from his appearance. I learn a lot from him. And I bet he learn a lot from me too. We have the same dreams and hope. We enjoy sharing and I am extremely the happiest girl whenever we're together. I am still the happiest girl having him in my heart.

I miss him. I really do. Yeah, we're going through bumpy road at this time. But I believe we will check into highway soon, Amin, InsyaAllah...

Amir Asyraf Janorin, gua sayang gila sama lu!

Innerself

Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.

Agree. The truth, I just want to keep quiet and let this hardship gone through. I know it will be over soon.

All my life, this is so far the most challenge phase. Really challenging. Totally out of my comfort zone. What amaze me, I am still standing here, breathing and living life.

I'd be lying if I say I did not proud of myself. Maybe I am not doing pretty hell good job here, but I just survived. That is good enough.

Prayer is what toughen me up. Really. There is always a time that I feel like I can't take it, I remain sane because of faith in God. Not to mention my mum, dad and the rest of the family. Even I am far away, I still can feel their love to me.

I learn to become more patient and humble. I learn wisdom and faith in God. I learn to survive away from all the things that I love. I learn that material and social status is not everything. And above all, I learn that Allah is the Almighty and He is in charge of everything. Yes, everything.

Sometime I think I turn myself into a pessimist. But actually no. I become more optimist more than ever! Secretly, I have the positive-ly weapon inside of me and sometime I think it just waiting to burst out into something incredible.

InsyaAllah.

Tulu!

pure heart

LDR is hard. At this point, i dont survive it. Too bad for me. Im at my worst condition now. Im a stranger in this place. Away from home. Away from all the love that i had inside of me.

Sabar. I keep telling myself that. Sabar.

Kalau ada rezeki, ada. Kalau ada jodoh, ada.

Please pray for my well being.

Before Sunset

Im dying inside.
Im dying inside because I feel so numb.
I don't feel pain or excitement.
Im not even bitter, Im just dying inside..

~Celine, Before Sunset~

Back then, so what?

Back then, I was happy. I was blessed and showered with lots of love and joy. I am wanted by many who close to me. My life was well, almost perfect.

I had a wonderful boyfriend, a loyal bestfriend, a fun bunch of friends, a supportive family including the extended family like my aunts, uncle, cousins and of course my grandma. Everyone want a piece from me. I mean, they always want my company until I have to decide which one is my priority. I will feel guilty if I let down any of the list. I always wish I can divide myself so that I can accompany all of them.

That was then.

Now, I still have all the list of loved one. The big different now is no one want my accompany anymore. Its not their fault either. Its distance.

So, thank you very much for listening.

x

Another stupid mumbling

Maybe. What if.

Maybe I am not the person you need want. What if I am not the right one?

or vise versa.

God knows better. He knows well.